Knitting is extremely popular in the last few years, with everyone and their brother picking up needles with gusto. Knitting has been called the new zen, much like brown was the new black and orange was the new pink. So I thought instead of creating a list of why you should learn how to knit, I’d create a list of the top three reasons why you should NEVER pick up those pointy needles.

Reasons why you should never learn to knit:

1. Knitting is expensive
Yes, yes, I know that it’s supposed to be frugal. I’m sure there are plenty of people out there who only use cheap acrylic or recycled goodwill sweaters or garage sale yarns, but most knitting enthusiasts end up with a stash that rivals Fort Knox. If you are a spender, not a saver, don’t learn how to knit.
2. Knitting stresses you out
I’ve read a few news articles that trumpet that knitting is the new zen. Any learning knitter reading that statement would bray with laughter. Even experienced knitters must admit that quite often knitting is anything but zen-like. As any knitter who has reknit (and reknit! and again… reknit!!!) a sock heel, mitten thumb, or sweater sleeve could tell you, knitting is full of unhealthy stroke-inducing moments. Sure you could vow to only knit garter stitch blankets or scarves, but eventually you will want to move on to something a little more challenging. Before you know it, you’ll be knitting a Dale of Norway sweater and wondering if your doctor would be willing to prescribe some nice little pills so you can get through the pain of knitting it. Don’t be fooled. Knitting is not zen-like. Make sure your blood pressure is under control before learning how to knit.
3. Knitting is very formulaic
Knitting is supposed to empower your inner child, to allow you to be creative. This is so laughable, it’s pathetic. Most new knitters, and quite a few experienced knitters, always always always knit from a pattern. Their most creative moments are finding different colors to knit their items in. It’s like saying you’re creative because you painted your wall something besides hospital white, or *gasp* used wallpaper. Thus, for most of us, knitting only creates the illusion of creativity.

Remember friends, when someone hands you pointy sticks and some string and says, “Just try it, it’ll be fun!” channel your inner Nancy Reagan and just say “NO!”